FACEBOOK ETIQUETTES

I. Acronyms should not require a degree in cryptography. I can get on board with the usual“LOL,” “ROFL,” and all that shit. But
when these you start making 10-digit acronyms because they’re too damn lazy to type it out, I really begin to lose my freakin’ mind. Seriously though, I don’t want to feel like I’m trapped in The Da Vinci Code trying to decipher your stupid fucking response or shoud i say encryption. 

OMGITISMLSH.OC!ILTCITO…F.STFUAGAL… Oh my God I think I shit myself laughing so hard. 

OH CRAP! I Left TheChiken in the oven….fuck. 

II. Stop using ellipses in your status updates. Quit posting this“…” shit at the end of your status or response. What am I supposed to do with this, guess if you really meant it? Like the profound statement you just made about being back at work is to be continued? Are you second guessing yourself?“I ate at galitoes and it was awesome…. (uh, I think).” Here’s another one: “lol…” What the hell is this? Is your laughing some unsolved mystery? Should I get Scooby Doo and the stoner to investigate? 

III. Don’t “like” a status and then comment on it too. I don’t have a problem with people“liking” a status, or with commenting on a status, or both. But don’t “like” a status and then comment with “yea.” No shit. The “yea” is implied by your act of “liking,” . And let’s try to keep comments on topic; nothing pisses me off more than someone commenting, and then adding some trivial shit to the topic. Now I get 15 emails between a bunch of idiots discussing which Nickelback video sucks the most when my original post was how beans gives me gas.

IV. You have political views, great. Now shutup. One time I was in a meeting and I had to sneeze. Instead of making a loud scene I figured I’d hold it in, which didn’t work out so well as I found out air must go somewhere. Needless to say, it was kinda uncomfortable; you know, the kind where you’re sitting with all your weight on one cheek thinking,“Damn… I should really go check.” Yeah, so that’s how I feel when I see all this political propaganda posted everywhere. Even if we agree on everything we don’t need it broadcasted, it simply leaves you with a weird feeling. This isn’t the forum for this debate, punditry or political talks; for everything you like, someone else hates it. So why create the animosity amongst online friends, all 1000+ of them (and yeah, I’m sure you keep in touch with them all)? 

V. Don’t type out the colloquial “like,” or you’re, like, totally stupid. We’re in the year 2010 so it’s pretty much becoming socially acceptable to say“like” in between every thing you call a thought.“Like, I was so, oh my God, like, blown away by So You Think You Can Dance.” , if you type out “like” in your status/ post then you’re a damned idiot. How do you feel knowing YOU fuelAl-Qaeda? Honestly, Facebook needs to start putting asterisks next to certain names. At the bottom of Facebook it shall read:“Asterisked names indicate friends who have been certified morons. Thank you, Facebook Staff.” 

VI. Stop inviting me to your gay-ass fan pages. I think fan pages are great. You don’t want to waste everyone’s “News Feed” with shit your group is doing, so make a fan page. But don’t invite every person you know to join your damn group if it doesn’t pertain to them. Look, I live in eldoret; I really don’t give care about your neighborhood badminton team in Hauppauge, New York. Also, why the hell! are you playing badminton? 

VII. Don’t make friend suggestions, especially for your terrible friends. If you and I are talking about someone and I say,“Yeah, he sure is one stupid dipshit of a person,” and then that person joins Facebook, don’t suggest that I be his friend. It really makes me look like an asshole when this turd posts on my wall, “Hey man, how’ve ya been?” All because you thought I’d just love to catch up with him. By the way, , you know that time I told you I don’t have a problem with you, that I was just having a bad day? I was only kidding; I can’t stand you, and chances are I think you’re queer.